Wonderful
Keep tending what’s working.
Research highlights a few top predictors of satisfaction: perceived commitment, appreciation, sexual satisfaction, your partner’s satisfaction, and how you handle conflict.
Connection
- 1Genuine friendship: you like each other, not just love each other.
- 2Turning toward bids for attention instead of ignoring them (Gottman’s strongest predictor).
- 3Regular one-on-one time that isn’t logistics.
- 4Physical affection outside of sex.
- 5A sexual relationship both find satisfying, with honest talk about mismatches.
- 6Shared humor and play.
- 7Curiosity about each other that persists over decades.
Communication
- 8Soft startups: raising issues without opening with blame.
- 9Repair attempts during conflict, and accepting them.
- 10Low contempt, meaning no eye-rolling, mockery, or superiority.
- 11Willingness to be influenced by the other’s view.
- 12Listening to understand rather than to rebut.
- 13Being able to name needs directly instead of hinting.
- 14Comfort with unresolved perpetual problems (the goal is managing them).
Trust & Respect
- 15Reliability: doing what you say.
- 16Fidelity, both sexual and emotional.
- 17Transparency about money, time, and other relationships.
- 18Admiration for each other’s character.
- 19Defending each other in public and to family.
- 20Respect for autonomy, with separate friends, interests, and space.
Partnership
- 21A perceived fair division of labor. Perception matters more than exact equality.
- 22Aligned or negotiated views on money.
- 23Agreement on the big things: kids, where to live, faith, lifestyle.
- 24Operating as a team against problems, not against each other.
- 25Shared goals and a sense of building something together.
Resilience
- 26Generous assumptions about the other’s intent.
- 27Gratitude expressed often and specifically.
- 28Forgiveness without score-keeping.
- 29Adaptability through life stages like kids, illness, career shifts, and empty nest.
- 30Commitment that treats divorce as off the table during rough patches.